Like most irritants in my life, what should be just about grating enough to make me gnaw my own fist in annoyance eventually turns into a bona fide Berserk Button. It's highly irrational; I mean, I watch the news and react to all the war, famine, plague, pestilence, death, and general injustice in the world with nothing more than a tut and a sigh. And yet, the words "Repost if you agree!" cause me to go outside just so I can find a cat to punt into the road. I clearly have skewed priorities.
That being the case, in this post, I share some particularly nauseating examples, and complain about them.
The Mumsy Ones
Generally posted by the kind of people who, within a day of giving birth, post several hundred identical photos of their barely sentient Winston Churchill look-a-like, and proceed to join Mumsnet, where they can prefix every sentence with "Speaking as a mother" and revel in how having kids just makes you plain better than everyone else.
These tend to fall into two categories: saccharine enough to send non-parents into insulin shock, or the kind of "hilarious" crap about how much effort parenthood is that would ordinarily appear on a really cheap mother's day card.
Here is an example of the former:
♥♥♥ I'll always need my children no matter what age I am... My children have made me laugh...made me cry, stressed me out, Wiped my tears... Hugged me tight... Seen me fall... Cheered me on... Kept me strong... And drove me a little CRAZY at times! But, my children are a promise from God that I will have a friend forever! Put this as your status if you have been blessed with great kids♥♥
Ah, hearts. Gotta have hearts. How will people know you're being sincere otherwise?
Aside from that, I take issue with two main aspects of this status:
1) You're a grown-up (or at least a teenager with a very loose grasp on how contraception works). Shouldn't you be the one doing the tear-wiping and tight-hugging and fall-watching? Know how you're coming across here? This status makes you sound like a gibbering, inept twerp of a parent whose relationship with their kids resembles the movie I Am Sam.
2) The last line in particular doesn't allow for much objectivity; how many people are going to read and agree up until the last line, then think "Ah well, best not repost. My kids are shit"?
Then there's this one:
Being a young mum means we met a little early, but I get to love you longer. Some people said my life ended when I had a baby, but my life had just begun. You didn't take away from my future, you gave me a new one! If your a proud young mother. Re-post this and Add the Age you Became a Mummy.
Essentially, this is the parental equivalent of going "Well, I liked this band BEFORE they were popular".
"Oh, I see you had a kid. Cool. I guess they're popular at the moment. Personally, I had one when parenthood was just an underground movement."
Life is full of surprises...you think that your worth nothing but being the best at being a Mum,because for some reason you have,that wot you were shown when you was a chid, but things don't have to be the same,as when you become a mother,only YOU know wots right for your baby!!
Whoever started this nonsensical dickery hopefully will never attempt to help their kid/s with their homework.
Meanwhile, here's an example of Mumsy Status Type II:
Do I work? Uhhh yes, I am a MUM! That makes me an alarm clock, a cook, a maid, a waitress, a teacher, a nurse, a handyman, a security officer, a photographer, a counselor, a chauffeur, an event planner, a personal assistant, an ATM, & a comforter. I don't get holidays, sick pay or days off. I work through the DAY & NIGHT. I am on call at ALL hours for the rest of my life. Re-post if you are PROUD MUMMY
Proud? Really? You don't sound proud. You sound like you're pissing and moaning about something that should be blatantly fucking obvious. Did it not occur to you when you decided to have a kid that maybe, just maybe, it might involve effort? No? Oh, I'm sorry. You weren't to know. I mean, it's only spending at least eighteen years indoctrinating a human being into the ways of our society and keeping them well-adjusted, fed, cleaned, watered, and, preferably, alive in the meantime. Guess it sounds easier than it is.
The "This Is Me, Get Over It" Ones
Basically, the Facebook equivalent of some scutter shrieking "You hate me 'cause you ain't me!" For example:
I AM A HANDFUL - unfortunately most women WON'T re-post this. I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle but I love and give with all my heart. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure don't deserve me at my best. If you are a HANDFUL, re-post! I dare you
For the non-arsewitted among you, here is a rough translation:
I'm a pain in the arse. Most women won't repost this because they're less annoying than I am. I'm stubborn, gobby, and too much of a failure at life to even manage a basic level of tact. I fuck up on at least a daily basis, I cry and scream at everyone when drunk, and can't be reasoned with, but hey, at least I'm also horribly needy and insecure! But then, if you want to spend time with more sane, good-natured women, you're clearly an arsehole who doesn't deserve such an amazing specimen. Join me in my twattiness! Please? That way, I can justify my glaring flaws instead of working on them.
Then there's this:
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief..., look how smart I am! IF YOU BELIEVE THIS: REPOST TO YOUR STATUS.
IF YOU BELIEVE THIS: YOU'RE A FUCKNUT OF SUCH EPIC PROPORTIONS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE USING A COMPUTER AT ALL.
Repost if you're a bit fat and and think this counts as humour! Especially if you describe yourself as "bubbly"! Honestly, as a fat person, I resent the implication that we're all this dim and self-deluded.
Anyway, what this proves is that there are God knows how many people willing to believe the following:Proud? Really? You don't sound proud. You sound like you're pissing and moaning about something that should be blatantly fucking obvious. Did it not occur to you when you decided to have a kid that maybe, just maybe, it might involve effort? No? Oh, I'm sorry. You weren't to know. I mean, it's only spending at least eighteen years indoctrinating a human being into the ways of our society and keeping them well-adjusted, fed, cleaned, watered, and, preferably, alive in the meantime. Guess it sounds easier than it is.
The "This Is Me, Get Over It" Ones
Basically, the Facebook equivalent of some scutter shrieking "You hate me 'cause you ain't me!" For example:
I AM A HANDFUL - unfortunately most women WON'T re-post this. I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken, and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control and at times hard to handle but I love and give with all my heart. If you can't handle me at my worst then you sure don't deserve me at my best. If you are a HANDFUL, re-post! I dare you
For the non-arsewitted among you, here is a rough translation:
I'm a pain in the arse. Most women won't repost this because they're less annoying than I am. I'm stubborn, gobby, and too much of a failure at life to even manage a basic level of tact. I fuck up on at least a daily basis, I cry and scream at everyone when drunk, and can't be reasoned with, but hey, at least I'm also horribly needy and insecure! But then, if you want to spend time with more sane, good-natured women, you're clearly an arsehole who doesn't deserve such an amazing specimen. Join me in my twattiness! Please? That way, I can justify my glaring flaws instead of working on them.
Then there's this:
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief..., look how smart I am! IF YOU BELIEVE THIS: REPOST TO YOUR STATUS.
IF YOU BELIEVE THIS: YOU'RE A FUCKNUT OF SUCH EPIC PROPORTIONS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE USING A COMPUTER AT ALL.
Just figured out why I'm overweight!!! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body"! I'm going to start using washing up liquid cos that says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." Repost if you're curvy and have a good sense of humor!!!
Repost if you're a bit fat and and think this counts as humour! Especially if you describe yourself as "bubbly"! Honestly, as a fat person, I resent the implication that we're all this dim and self-deluded.
Before you judge my life, my past or my character... Walk in my shoes, walk the path I have traveled, live my sorrow, my doubts, my fear, my pain and my laughter! Remember, "Judge not lest ye be judged." Everyone has their own story! When you've lived my life, then you can judge me! If you agree, post this on your wall. (How many have the courage to do so?).....
Splendid. So perhaps the people who post this will refrain from ever judging someone's character based on their actions ever again. By that reasoning... well.... Robert Mugabe? Screw you man, you don't know him. Jeffrey Dahmer? Pfft, yeah, it's so easy to judge when you haven't been through what he's been through. Josef Fritzl? God, stop being such a judgmental dick. He doesn't have a go at you for being late all the time, or failing to put your dirty socks in the laundry basket.
I like the last bit as well. It would appear that it takes balls the size of functioning planets to copy a status from someone's Facebook profile and then POST IT TO YOUR OWN. You crazy mofo. What are you going to do next? Maybe you'll take on Mike Tyson in a scrap. Perhaps you'll do a charity skydive. Or maybe you'll just rip off some limp-wristed sentiment about not judging someone, overlooking the fact that sometimes judging people is necessary for survival. I mean, if there's, say, a chap wandering around the local area with a knife in one hand and his cock in the other, I'm probably going to forgo being non-judgmental in favour of calling the police.
The Compassionate Ones
In which the Facebook user in question posts a status which confirms them as sympathetic to various causes as they can possibly be without actually doing anything to change the problems they're on about. For example, take this fine example of sympathy toward domestic abuse victims:
While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly to her ear...While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding herhow wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY there's a man stealing smiles from her... Post this on your wall if you're against Domestic Violence.
First off, I tend to read things exactly how they're typed. In this case, I'm picturing a slightly mental person punctuating their mumbling with occasional screamed words.
Secondly, whoever started this nonsense seems to be under the impression that men can't be victims of domestic violence.
Thirdly, as depressing as it is, not every beaten woman is going to have a chivalrous knight with a bruise fetish waiting in the wings.
Finally, it has the passive-aggressive aspect present in all "compassionate" statuses; the implication that, if you don't repost this textual turd, you actually support the thing it's going against. Sorry, but I fucking LOVE domestic violence. Can't get enough of it. Nothing gives me that warm fuzzy feeling in my belly quite like the idea of someone being mistreated by their significant other. I didn't repost this, so can only assume that's the case, anyway.
The passive-aggressive element also tends to pop up on cancer-related statuses.
May I ask a personal favor.....Only some of you will do it, and I know who you are. If you know someone who fought cancer and won, or fought cancer and died, or someone who is still fighting please add this to your status for 1 hour as a mark of respect and in remembrance. I hope I was right… about the people who will ♥
I don't think my Grandad would really give a shit whether I do this or not. He knew I respected him, and it had fuck-all to do with the cancer. There are a million things I could say about him, so, to be honest, I don't need a trite copy and paste status on a website.
But, y'know. I didnt' copy and paste the status. Know what that means? I actively support cancer. I spit on chemo patients and cackle with glee whenever the Daily Mail announces that an everyday thing gives you cancer. I even have a little cheerleader outfit with pompoms in the shape of tumours. I dig cancer, can't you tell? It should be obvious from the lack of someone else's half-arsed sentiments on my Facebook wall.
The Semi-Political Ones
Typically posted by people who get most of their knowledge of current affairs from either the News In Briefs bit on page 3 of The Sun, or the in-depth report into modern society entitled Wot I Reckon, hosted by That Bloke In The Pub, that well-known political genius who "doesn't mind gays as long as they don't shove it down my throat" (presumably, he has previous experience of gays shoving things down his throat), thinks Richard Littlejohn should be Prime Minister, and blames all of life's ills on a mysterious organisation known as "The PC Brigade".
If you watched Grange Hill, had 4 TV channels, played in the woods, made a den, fell out of trees, a game was Kerby or Bulldog with not a computer in sight, rode your bike, used jumpers for goal posts, had to be in before dark, got grounded if you were late, not even the home phone was mobile, vandalism was scratching the school desk with a compass, you recorded the top 40 off the radio, got 10 sweets in a 10p mix and you turned out ok, then re-post, THIS IS WHEN BRITAIN WAS GREAT
I'm not entirely sure who is opposing the notion that using jumpers for goal posts does not turn you into an axe-wielding manic depressive crack whore, and I'm definitely not sure how scratching school desks made Britain great. Incidentally, those simple days of yore you were longing for? You would have been a child then. There wasn't some unexplained shift between Britain being great and Britain turning into a desolate wasteland. You just grew up and realised that, after a certain age, life is a lot less carefree and riddled with penny sweets. Don't believe me? Go outside, right now, find a park or something, and make a den. You'll get bored and come back in after about ten minutes.
Splendid. So perhaps the people who post this will refrain from ever judging someone's character based on their actions ever again. By that reasoning... well.... Robert Mugabe? Screw you man, you don't know him. Jeffrey Dahmer? Pfft, yeah, it's so easy to judge when you haven't been through what he's been through. Josef Fritzl? God, stop being such a judgmental dick. He doesn't have a go at you for being late all the time, or failing to put your dirty socks in the laundry basket.
I like the last bit as well. It would appear that it takes balls the size of functioning planets to copy a status from someone's Facebook profile and then POST IT TO YOUR OWN. You crazy mofo. What are you going to do next? Maybe you'll take on Mike Tyson in a scrap. Perhaps you'll do a charity skydive. Or maybe you'll just rip off some limp-wristed sentiment about not judging someone, overlooking the fact that sometimes judging people is necessary for survival. I mean, if there's, say, a chap wandering around the local area with a knife in one hand and his cock in the other, I'm probably going to forgo being non-judgmental in favour of calling the police.
The Compassionate Ones
In which the Facebook user in question posts a status which confirms them as sympathetic to various causes as they can possibly be without actually doing anything to change the problems they're on about. For example, take this fine example of sympathy toward domestic abuse victims:
While you SCREAM at your woman, there's a man wishing he could talk softly to her ear...While you HUMILIATE, OFFEND and INSULT her, there's a man flirting with her and reminding herhow wonderful she is. While you HURT your woman, there's a man wishing he could make love to her. While you make your women CRY there's a man stealing smiles from her... Post this on your wall if you're against Domestic Violence.
First off, I tend to read things exactly how they're typed. In this case, I'm picturing a slightly mental person punctuating their mumbling with occasional screamed words.
Secondly, whoever started this nonsense seems to be under the impression that men can't be victims of domestic violence.
Thirdly, as depressing as it is, not every beaten woman is going to have a chivalrous knight with a bruise fetish waiting in the wings.
Finally, it has the passive-aggressive aspect present in all "compassionate" statuses; the implication that, if you don't repost this textual turd, you actually support the thing it's going against. Sorry, but I fucking LOVE domestic violence. Can't get enough of it. Nothing gives me that warm fuzzy feeling in my belly quite like the idea of someone being mistreated by their significant other. I didn't repost this, so can only assume that's the case, anyway.
The passive-aggressive element also tends to pop up on cancer-related statuses.
May I ask a personal favor.....Only some of you will do it, and I know who you are. If you know someone who fought cancer and won, or fought cancer and died, or someone who is still fighting please add this to your status for 1 hour as a mark of respect and in remembrance. I hope I was right… about the people who will ♥
I don't think my Grandad would really give a shit whether I do this or not. He knew I respected him, and it had fuck-all to do with the cancer. There are a million things I could say about him, so, to be honest, I don't need a trite copy and paste status on a website.
But, y'know. I didnt' copy and paste the status. Know what that means? I actively support cancer. I spit on chemo patients and cackle with glee whenever the Daily Mail announces that an everyday thing gives you cancer. I even have a little cheerleader outfit with pompoms in the shape of tumours. I dig cancer, can't you tell? It should be obvious from the lack of someone else's half-arsed sentiments on my Facebook wall.
The Semi-Political Ones
Typically posted by people who get most of their knowledge of current affairs from either the News In Briefs bit on page 3 of The Sun, or the in-depth report into modern society entitled Wot I Reckon, hosted by That Bloke In The Pub, that well-known political genius who "doesn't mind gays as long as they don't shove it down my throat" (presumably, he has previous experience of gays shoving things down his throat), thinks Richard Littlejohn should be Prime Minister, and blames all of life's ills on a mysterious organisation known as "The PC Brigade".
If you watched Grange Hill, had 4 TV channels, played in the woods, made a den, fell out of trees, a game was Kerby or Bulldog with not a computer in sight, rode your bike, used jumpers for goal posts, had to be in before dark, got grounded if you were late, not even the home phone was mobile, vandalism was scratching the school desk with a compass, you recorded the top 40 off the radio, got 10 sweets in a 10p mix and you turned out ok, then re-post, THIS IS WHEN BRITAIN WAS GREAT
I'm not entirely sure who is opposing the notion that using jumpers for goal posts does not turn you into an axe-wielding manic depressive crack whore, and I'm definitely not sure how scratching school desks made Britain great. Incidentally, those simple days of yore you were longing for? You would have been a child then. There wasn't some unexplained shift between Britain being great and Britain turning into a desolate wasteland. You just grew up and realised that, after a certain age, life is a lot less carefree and riddled with penny sweets. Don't believe me? Go outside, right now, find a park or something, and make a den. You'll get bored and come back in after about ten minutes.
Regarding the mosque near ground zero, I say let them build it. But across the street, we should put a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot". Next to that, a gay bar called "The Turban Cowboy" and next to that, a pork-rib restaurant called "Iraq o' Ribs" and a check cashing center called "Iran out of mone...y" Lets see...... who's really tolerant! Repost if you agree and IF you have the guts!
I defriended the toe-sucking bumblefuck who posted this. Mostly because the "Ground Zero Mosque", as has been pointed out, is neither at Ground Zero, nor a Mosque. As such, people who re-post it are not people rallying against what seems like a highly inappropriate location for a religious building, but boorish, braying cretins relishing yet another opportunity for a bit of Islam-bashing.
You know it's serious because it's in capital letters. This totally isn't like the other 48093421636 times that people said Facebook would start charging.I defriended the toe-sucking bumblefuck who posted this. Mostly because the "Ground Zero Mosque", as has been pointed out, is neither at Ground Zero, nor a Mosque. As such, people who re-post it are not people rallying against what seems like a highly inappropriate location for a religious building, but boorish, braying cretins relishing yet another opportunity for a bit of Islam-bashing.
.."SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT ... If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 yrs. hard labor. If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally, you get shot. Two Americans just got eight years for crossing the Iranian border. If you cross the UK border illegally you get a job, a drivers license, food stamps 4 tesco, a place to live, health care, housing & child benefits, education, & a tax free business for 7 yrs ...No wonder we are a country in debt. Re-post if you agree"...
You're right, of course. What we really need to be doing is shooting illegal immigrants. Hell, in some cases, we might be saving brutal regimes in their own country a job. But no. Instead, apparently, we make sure they don't starve to death. This stupid country. The Government won't ADMIT that they greet all illegal immigrants with a cushy job, a driving license, and a complimentary line of cocaine upon entering the country, but they clearly do. Know why? To keep the white, middle-class, heterosexual, Christian male down, that's why! Fight the power!
The "Facebook Is Charging!" Ones
These seem to pop up at least two or three times a year. This is the most recent incarnation:
IT IS OFFICIAL. IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON, IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DO NOT PAY
You're right, of course. What we really need to be doing is shooting illegal immigrants. Hell, in some cases, we might be saving brutal regimes in their own country a job. But no. Instead, apparently, we make sure they don't starve to death. This stupid country. The Government won't ADMIT that they greet all illegal immigrants with a cushy job, a driving license, and a complimentary line of cocaine upon entering the country, but they clearly do. Know why? To keep the white, middle-class, heterosexual, Christian male down, that's why! Fight the power!
The "Facebook Is Charging!" Ones
These seem to pop up at least two or three times a year. This is the most recent incarnation:
IT IS OFFICIAL. IT WAS EVEN ON THE NEWS. FACEBOOK WILL START CHARGING DUE TO THE NEW PROFILE CHANGES. IF YOU COPY THIS ON YOUR WALL YOUR ICON WILL TURN BLUE AND FACEBOOK WILL BE FREE FOR YOU. PLEASE PASS THIS MESSAGE ON, IF NOT YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DELETED IF YOU DO NOT PAY
1. Facebook will start charging, despite how likely it is that people will stop using it altogether, thus putting even more of their profits into the pockets of arch-nemesis Google+.
2. But it's OK, because, if you're one of their favourite customers, you get your account free, just by posting a status.
3. Facebook head honchos type in the manner of a teenager trying to convince his friend that he once saw a horse fight a kangaroo. "It was on the news and everything!"
4. Facebook functions mainly as a text recognition site which can magically tell that you've posted this comment and automatically turn your page blue or something as a result.
Gullibility aside (incidentally, the word IS in the dictionary, and there's a picture of you under it), I think what angers me the most about these modern equivalents to chain letters is that people (apparently, quite rightly) have such little faith in their own views that they can't even voice their own opinions, to the extent that they take some idiotic cut-and-paste rambling on their friend's Facebook wall as fact. A quick stint on Google will confirm that Facebook is never going to start charging, the Ground Zero Mosque is none of those things, and illegal immigrants do not automatically receive a job and a driving license upon arriving in the UK, but no, it's easier to copy and paste, safe in the knowledge that most of your friends list won't check either. So, in true hyperbolic style, I'll finish by worrying that, one day, I'll be able to post that David Cameron has mutated into a crab/llama hybrid and gobbed in Nick Clegg's face before pinching his nose with his big, ferocious Tory claws. And people will assume I'm 100% correct. And I'm kind of an idiot. This could be a dangerous situation.
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